How to Write a Best Man Speech

So you're the Best Man, congrats! What an honor, what a privilege, to be the groom's go-to guy on everything from picking out the perfect tuxes to planning the ultimate bachelor party. And as the chosen best man, you've probably been through more than your share of hi-jinks with the groom. Lucky wedding guests are about to get an earful. Time to dish some dirt on the poor, unsuspecting bastard, and get him back for all the trouble he's caused you in the past!

As the wedding draws near, you may find yourself hunkered down with your pen and pad (or hunched over your iPad)... half-a-lifetime of terrifying stories tumbling about your brain as you attempt to write the best man speech from scratch. You should be able to bang this thing out in an hour or less, right?

Well... not so much. In reality, the best man speech for your best friend's wedding can be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to write. And the truth is, not every groom fits the profile of that hilarious, former Animal-House type of party guy with a ton of stories just ripe for the picking. You might even find yourself with NO funny stories to tell about the groom at all! Hell, maybe he's just a regular guy, a nice guy with a job and a 401K and a monthly mortgage payment.

All this said: before you begin to write your best man speech, you'll want to briefly assess a few things. These include:

1. The groom and his personality
2. The bride and her personality
3. The story of how the bride and groom met
4. The audience, and how they might react to whatever you say in your best man speech.

The groom and his personality. What kind of guy is getting married? Is he a larger-than-life personality? A wicked-smart tech geek with a penchant for practical jokes? Is he a quiet dude who prefers to remain in the background? As the best man, you probably have a good handle on who we're dealing with here. The type of guy the groom is will no doubt affect the style of speech you come up with for his wedding.

The bride and her personality. Hopefully, the bride is at least somewhat similar to (or at least compatible with) the groom. After all, they are getting married so one would hope they'd be good friends. This is her day as much as his, so whatever you say in your best man speech should not only reflect on her favorably but also compliment her personal style a bit. Before you start writing, think: what would my friend's wife want to hear about her new husband?

The story of how the bride and groom met. It's worth pondering, at least for a little while, what brought the lucky couple together in the first place. Is this a story worth telling? Did they find each other through some bizarre twist of fate? Is it the old "we met at work and had to date in secret," or the "she saw him doing keg stands on spring break in Daytona and thought, 'Now THAT is the man for me'?" Granted, it may not be an interesting story at all, in which case you don't have to tell it. But at the very least, spend few moments reflecting on how the bride and groom influence each other's lives in a positive way.

The audience, and their potential reaction. Of course it's tempting to drag out the worst of all skeletons from your friend's closet in order to get a cheap laugh or maybe even for shock value. But think about it: this is your best friend's wedding and one of the most important days of his life. Take some care to select the stories that, while putting him in a humorous light, won't do anything to defame or embarrass him to any great extent, given the mix of people who will be there listening. We all have things in our past that we'd rather not share. Respect your friend, and keep a lid on the stuff he's told you in confidence. And also don't forget to gauge the laughter triggers, too! What's funny between the guys might not be so amusing to Ancient Aunt Edna.

Write Your Best Man Speech

Okay: you've analyzed your audience. Now it's time to write the speech. If you decide to make it funny (and you've got enough dirt on the guy to make it juicy), then you can use the "Roast the Groom" format of best man speech, as follows below. 

(If he's not a dynamic enough character to tell stories about, that's okay too: just sum up what a nice guy he is, then skip to the part about how they met, and maybe talk that up a bit more.)

PART 1. Intro: Thank everyone for coming, and briefly sum up in what manner you have become acquainted with the groom.

PART 2. The roast: Hit hard with a series of funny anecdotes about the groom. This part should deliver like short punches – pow, pow, pow. Don't get too caught up in any one story. A few sentences per each shenanigan, with a punch line at the end of each, is good enough.

PART 3. The coupling: Talk about him and her. If it fits, make your point about what a mess this guy was until the bride-to-be entered the picture. Share a bit about how they met, if it's interesting. Talk her up in the most flattering way. The best man should always paint the bride in a favorable light. There may even be some humor in pointing out that it's a wonder why such a fine lady as her would ever get with him in the first place!

PART 4. Get sentimental: Just when everyone is sick of hearing you pick on the groom, switch the tone from fun-poking to sentimental. "All kidding aside," and "But on a serious note," can be effective transitions. For the next few short paragraphs, make sure everyone in the room knows what a great guy this is, and how his lady is equally terrific. You can't get enough of the two of them together, and you know that their life is going to be amazing!

PART 5. More funnies: Toss in a few more light jokes. If appropriate, poke a bit more fun about how you have no idea why she would end up with a mess like him. Again, make sure everyone knows you're kidding – keep the joking frequent but light!

PART 6. Conclusion: Give your best wishes to the happy couple, offer them your blessing and tons of luck and love. Thank the guests again and tell everyone to have a great time!

The best man speech does not necessarily have to follow this format, but it certainly is the most popular one, and seems to work well for any type of groom who may have gotten into a bit of mischief in his younger years. As mentioned earlier... if this groom is a more low-key personality, then you can simply omit the first part where you tell funny stories about him.

Time yourself

Once you have your first draft written, go through it again. Read out loud to a friend (not the groom, obviously!), to check if the jokes are actually laugh-worthy, and to cover any points you may have missed. Check the length and use a stopwatch or other device with a timer to test your speech.

As the best man, you can make your speech as long or as short as you wish, but you do want to keep your guests in mind. There may be other people saying a few words at the wedding. Courtesy may dictate that you keep your talk to under five minutes so others can get a few minutes in as well, and then everyone can get back to the business at hand – celebrating! Plus, long-winded speeches generally lose people's attention anyway.

Edit, edit, edit some more.

As the countdown to the wedding day continues, you may want to revisit your speech a couple of more times to be sure you've said everything in just the right way. As you read and re-read, try to imagine what the speech might sound like to: 1. the groom, 2. the bride, 3. the parents of the bride and groom, 3. the family of the bride and groom, and finally, 4. the friends of all parties, including adult and elderly friends of the groom and bride's parents, grandparents, and so forth.

Best of luck, and happy best man speech-writing!

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